carelessly loving is just as foolish as never loving at all

When I sit alone in the darkness of the night I tend to think about deeper things than if I where amongst the sun.

Everything seems to happen for a reason and I ponder what those reasons will become. Who am and who am I meant to once be. And is your life already mapped out for you?

I want to so desperately believe that everyone is reincarnated and put back onto earth to finish their journey of pain love and happiness because if you think about it everything else on earth comes back in another form trees die decompose and then grow another tree from its nutrients.

Loving someone completely and accepting there love are entirely different concepts and when you finally accept that you are capable of being loved the light shines threw and you finally feel at home.

Life throws you curve balls and fast balls you just have to keep your eye on the prize and if you strike out keep trying because sooner or later you will hit a homerun.

To love yourself in a world that is constantly trying to tell you that you will never be enough is an accomplishment of the soul.

Im on a journey a journey of self a journey to find true happiness and peace but not in the world around me but in the people and places I am because the world will never be at peace you have to find these things amongst your own thoughts and actions and maybe eventually the rest of the world will follow in suit.

Creativity is not something someone can aim for because everyone is born with it. Its like a muscle you need to work at it and expand it. Research make things your own. Become an out of the box thinker. Society will try and conform you but stick to your guns and swim against the current.

Alanis Morissette - You Learn

I'm a sucker for alanis.... and this is my song of the week...

Fly

I feel like sinking, but I really long to fly. 

Forever is Never.

Forgive me for my faults
Because this is all I have and
As you move all her things out its blatantly obvious
Nothing is permanent
And im not stationary
I believe in romance
And fate
I believe in passion
And I need to believe in love
Commitment
I desperately grab at it
And im crying alone
Thinking of your face
Laying
Lying
To myself
Because this isn’t a fairy tale
And I miss your voice
And I miss your tone
But nothing is permanent
And im never stationary
Im nothing you need
Nothing you want
So what do you see
I’m not a replacement
For the love you are missing
And I ‘m not comparable
I look to the bottom of this river and I see silt and fish
And the absence of air frightens me
Because it’s the only constant I own
Im treading water for you
I’ll cross that bridge
As long as you don’t make me look down
And I cry because land is what I need. And this bridge is a fraud
The slits below show the water with no oxygen
And I realize land is my ocean
And your voice my sea.
And forever isn’t really forever.

I LIKE THE JONAS BROTHERS ...there i said it!

I have an apartment in sioux falls and i miss all my maine friends!!! tear tear

GI Joe - Pork Chop Sandwiches

good.

City of Portland, Maine-USA High Definition Wide Screen ( Head Light House, hurricane, Down Town)

hahahhaha.... what is up with the porn music?

Sondre Lerche - My Hands Are Shaking

love.

I WISH I WAS BETTER AT LYING!

little whitney. little cody.

vanity stole my sanity

I took a walk the other day and I thought about this world. The world we live in.

I thought of all the naïve individuals just trying to make it another day. And I wonder who am I?

And why was I so vain?

Angry.

I’m angry

Angry that you knew all along

That you weren’t ready

Angry at myself for not listening

I think I’m going crazy

It all started when I moved

It all started when you went away

And it was awkward you know

Laying there

Talking as if it where the most natural thing in the world

And as I sit here thinking

I wish I where normal

I wish I was the same bright and bubbly girl I once was

But I can’t be

Because then the world was endless

Then I was naïve

Then I thought I could do anything

Now I know better

Now I know

That I never loved myself I just loved being better than everyone else

So how do I fix it

How do I fix me

Because everytime I see my reflection

I see failure

I see disgrace

And I see why you never really loved me

Im angry at myself for never thinking im good enough just because I don’t fit into my old jeans

Im angry

Im so very angry

Because this reason is justifiable to me in everyway.

I just want to be free

I want to start over

anticipation is sometimes well worth it.

I saw my face the other day in your eyes. I saw who I was and who I could be when I stood next to you. All along I never knew it was possible, to find myself again. And you gave me the strength to understand that I am good.

and you will never know.

Are you on the line?

I felt like calling you

A couple minutes ago

But it’s 4 am

And I can’t seem to sleep threw the nights

You listen like no one has in awhile

And its refreshing

To know your only a phone call away

And I wonder why we never spoke before

Because you are amazing

Chnage

I can't sleep past 4 30 am, because my brain it keeps turning. And my head it hurts. I'm not quite sure what I'm thinking about but I'm certain it's not really that important. but who am I to shrug off my own thoughts they are there for reason. right? I keep thinking about all the people i see from day to day and never talk to. I think about where I'm going to be in the next 5 months and who I'm going to be in a year. because a year ago I was totally different under different circumstances and in love. It's strange how your whole world can change. I'm not sure I enjoy the change but at the same thats all I want to do.

Fargo - Where is pancakes house?

a man after my own heart... anyone who would rather take pancakes over sex can be my best friends any day!!!

I am Autumn (Live).mp4

sorry this is the last one.... listen...

4 15 Holiday

....

My Feet Hurt

just take a listen... i swear i loved him once... maybe twice... and possibly still...

everytime i see his face my heart sinks to my stomach and my eyes drain.

Women

Worship me.

for I am good I am women.

you think you know it all 

you think that just because I was loose once or twice that I will be forever

well you have it all wrong.

this little girl trapped in the body of a women is cursing you up and down

because as far back as I can remember I've been angry

I've been hurt

so this little girl is the one 

playing all the tricks

and stabbing you in the back

and this women is the one who keeps the composure

so worship me because I am women

If I let out this little girl

you would think twice before

coming too close without your balls covered.

just because I was loose once isn't an excuse.

to look at me the way you do

I'm not a piece of meat.

if i let this girl out 

you might be her dinner

so keep your dick in your pants 

and turn your ego down low

and don't speak to me in any tone

because i am women

I am thinking about going to another art school again... because it just pisses me off that I have to learn all this crap that I will never use again... All I want to do is paint and at best I will only be able to take 2 more art classes. If you don't create work and aren't an artist you won't really understand but I need to do art. And if I'm not I go crazy and right now I can't function. It's insane. all I want is to teach in Alaska. And everyone is like...wow! alaska whitney? do you realize it's cold there. and my response is... do you know the boy to girl ratio? If I do not find a mate in alaska I am doomed.

I need art school... closer to Sioux Falls then Maine. Not Minnesota. I'm thinking Denver. 

Wild International - One Day As A Lion

wicked good shit!!!! i tell you what.

The rules of the game

these are a few thing i never told you...

I didn't love you at first

I only like that challenge you brought me.

fuck it... I hate this place. It's just not the same anymore.

Hanson

I love Hanson!!! I don't care what you all think...even if this does support Gelsey's comment that I only like boy bands that whine... its not true gels.... I love ween remember? I just have a special place in my heart for hanson, its not my fault I swear.

I think I might have a slight obsession with musicians... especially ones that play piano and know how to tell someone they are beautiful.

I might need help...

Suck

I was Happy once I PROMISE.... I also once believed in loving someone. but everything changes I suppose. If only I had listened to my own heart.

Cocaine

I laced my cereal with cocaine 

just so I could lose this weight

It's your fault

I love you

so much

that I can never love myself

who are you?

why am i insane

i ran today

the whole time I thought of how 

i HATE who I am

So laced my lunch with cocaine

to get the high that you once gave me

now I'm free

i threw up 

because i remembered your taste

and i couldn't get it off my tongue 

When that didn't work

I cut it off

I snorted cocaine for dinner

just so I couldn't hear your name

repeating over and over in my head.

I think I have a new love

You never really knew me you know

D.M-304-Dance Party..1/2

sweet shit!!!!!!... I watched this all day today!!!

sleep is for lame- o's

I can not sleep... right now my plan is to pull an all nighter and then go to bed early tonight.... wish me luck.  and if you see me today i recommend not talking to me because i might bite your head off. 

I am currently watching things on you tube... 

dead? I think not... my white blood cells will kill you bacteria!

I think I only received roughly 2 hours of interrupted sleep last night... tossing and turning hot and then  cold. It sounds like the flu to me... My throat is aching I think I might apply vicks before i go to class. boy is everyone going to hate me, because either you LOVE the smell of vicks or you HATE it and when you hate boy do you ever hate it. 

I will start drinking loads of fluids... I will win!!!

Flinch - Alanis Morissette

lovely song... I wish I could be her.

run away

I want to run away from this place. start a new life. be on my own and live off the land. I want to grow a garden and finally be free. I want a lilac bush and  barn with horses. I want a room for my paintings and a loft above the garage for my creativity. I want to be free. I want to live. I want to be me.

These cows are my cows.

Free me from this pain that keeps me locked in reality

Free me from myself so I can fly because I know I can soar  

If I only had the chance

I’m not sane I tell you

The weight of the world seems to rest on my shoulders

Please save me because I will never have the strength to save myself

Who am i?

And where did I go

Did I get lost in the midst of my pain and confusion

Or am I just hiding underneath all of this excess weight

The world is crumbling on my shoulders and I can’t seem to hold you all up

Just listen to me

I’m yelling at the top of my lungs, just listen to what I have to say

Please?

Dry my tears because they keep poring

Tell me you love me

I’m a train wreck

So you have to fight to keep me

Fight to make me realize you won’t leave

All of these insecurities and heartache

Fight for me, but keep the fight quite and unknown

Because the more I know the more chance I will leave

I’m drowning

In my own tears.

Winter will come soon

And the ice will form

Summer has flown by

My days run together because living isn’t important

I try so hard to pretend because maybe if I pretend enough I just might believe myself

Where did I go?

Am I just around the corner

Because when I look in the mirror the person looking back just isn’t me.

I think I’m drowning

I think I’m floating

Unable to breathe

Because I’m confused

Oddly attracted to you

Oddly wanting to feel you

Oddly I think I may love you?

Is this ok

Can this be fine?

And how can I find you

I want you to hold me

I need someone anyone

I’m yelling at the top of my lungs

And all I want is to die

And start fresh

Start a new life

I want to be alone.

 

 

 

help is never on the way

And when will this day end? and when will this pain go away? who is in my bed and why am i wreck. the couch seems like a nice alternative to life. and your eyes are just the right color to blend with the sky to create the perfect shade of blue. Rain down upon my shoulders lovely because my heart aches to be back in the place I was most comfortable the place I called home for 3 years. I need your help. 

he kicked him in the penis

hahaha

Brendan James - All I Can See: Live Video

repeat that shit...

Billy Joel - She's Always a Woman -

my favorite song ever made... well its up there anyway!

I have three weaknesses when it comes to music and some would say that my taste sucks...

It's totally not my fault that i love matchbox 20, jewel and augustana. it's just not and if you have a problem just dont listen.

Reflections of a Skyline

this is the most beautiful video i have ever seen...

virginity and peace.

I will fight for peace, bleed for hope and die for love.

people say that fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

and yes in a sense that is correct but there is much more to fighting than guns and war. Fighting for peace must be done whole heartedly with passion and vigor. the fight for peace is a fight that is within yourself. and fucking results in the total absence of virginity because you can not get that back you can not no matter how hard you try ever be a virgin again.

only a thought i suppose.

Jewel - Hands (Live Acoustic)

I wish i were jewel... she's so good.

Tracy Bonham - Naked

Stuck in my head all day...

Just the run of the mill ordinary day.

I believe metal majors are the greatest in the history of art so I think I might try my luck at the music.

Today I have decided to only listen to Metal music for 24 hours starting tomorrow. well i take that back starting on tuesday at 12 am and going until Wednesday at 12 am... I'm doing this to help myself become a more well rounded person musically, and spiritually. actually only musically.

so thats the new news of the day. so if you have any ideas of some good metal bands please comment. it would be much appreciated.

i heart you all!!! 

 i google searched metal and this picture came up i had a giglgle.

I didnt eat spaghetti today!

I think I am getting sick... I knew this would happen, arg percations should have been taken. but o well. What's my plan you ask...fluids, loads of fluids. Tea, water, Water tea. ALL DAY!

I don't think I will ever be ready to have kids. but i also don't think i will ever be ready to have a relationship. It's a hard world... I know.

i have a wicked hardcore headache... i think tea will help! i will curse at it....

life equals lame

I can't figure out how to post a youtube video or i would... because i feel like that would help save my sanity.

i bought goodwill cookies today mostly for roommate and i get no appreciation... he asks "how old are they." and truth be told i was offended by his lack of knowledge pertaining to my 4 dollar cookies that get shipped in everyweek to stores across the country... hmmmph i hate roommates.

Stronger Women

Today was a boring day. but it seems as if i learn the most about myself on these days.

I'm confussed, talented and meck.

stubborn, patient, kind,

selfish and non competitive.

I miss being in love but love is something that can not be forced it just happens. and once you realize that love isnt like the movies the happier you will be.

I miss being naive. Everything was easier in high school. If only i had known this at the time. 

I don' think i will be able to love someone again until i love everything about myself which i project wont be until i'm 28.

I love Jewel. she inspires me.

all i drink is tea.

sad days

I came to the conclusion that I dislike most people around me.

Someone ran into my car yesterday

Stupid people who don't know how to drive.

I blame you all, for my unfortunate week.  

dude... this is me part one

Bukowski once wrote a poem and it went something like this if you take the writer away from the typewriter all you are left with is the disease that made him write in the first place. I feel like this pertains to me in a way that is overwhelmingly predominant. I am first and foremost an artist I suppose, but most of the time I feel like I am only pretending.

Normally I would have sat down and wrote about where I came from or what I liked to do but I feel as if that really doesn't matter, I believe that the topic at hand should not be about your past but who you are right in this moment. Sure your past forms who you are but you shouldn't let it define you. So that chapter in my life is closed.

I am open minded and tend to not take sides on subjects because of my extreme curiosity to see both view points. I am also fascinated by the human sexuality, and philosophy.

I'm terrified of turning 27. I have a few years to prepare but I am convinced I will die at this age. Think about it. Jim Morrison (speaking of Jim I have poster in my room of him and his nipples always make me feel uncomfortable), Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix. All of them died at 27, I think I need to do something now to fix this fear maybe I should go to counseling again. Maybe not.

When I was younger I used to think the music at restaurants came from little fairy people who where forced to play music all day in the ceiling. ( I know I wasn't going to talk about my past but I figured this was crucial information in defining my personality)

I also love Feta and eating cold pork and winning at e bay. I also believe that art is everywhere and is everything.

Pens. I collect them.

thoughts, determine my sanity.

I think that I am in love with a boy.... maybe? could be. lets wait and see.

I stated breaking hearts at an early age. Or else I really liked shirley temples and this was the last one.

Now and ... Later?

I love your kisses. If only I knew who you where.

“Being in love is like a refreshing drink of water, no matter what anyone else thinks of you, you always have that one person who doesn’t care and who thinks the world of you regardless."

dream until you die.

Kites are fun when they don't fly.

Flowers and candles burn

As water fills my room

Lightning strikes

As I think about your naked body

And the way we could intertwine

I make tea and sit in a corner

Staring at my face

Memorizing  every feature

Tracing the lines with permanent marker

And crying until my tears are dry

 

When will we come alive

Its winter

And I have become October

Leaves surround my heart

Protecting every beat

 

I envision us together

Mocking the world

Collecting lawn gnomes

And dancing in the rain.

I get lost with the sound of your voice

Incense burn

And lightning strikes

 

Darkness surrounds the morning

And fog my heart.

Who will save me

And when will morning come

I envision us together

Entangled in the sheets

Everything smells so sweet

As I sip my tea

In my corner tracing the outline of your face

And painting with the color of your eyes

Using your body as canvas

And my heart as insperation.

jump my friends, I will wait for you to come down and then i will catch your bounce and therefore jump higher

Today is my last day at wal mart... so long my fellow co-workers i will miss everyone of you very much, except for that lady that works up front that smells like wet cabbage. Jewelry will never be the same without me. but don't fret east side wal mart i shall be back because you are now my home.

I realized today that I have a problem, its called perfect zoning I have to do but only in the presence of clothes... they are my only friends.

I saw a boy today and yesterday and he has beautiful eyes and a nice smile. he's a nice boy a friendly boy. 

I ate a chicken sandwich for lunch.